Fifth Visit to the Spiritual Director

On Friday, I went to my fifth appointment with my spiritual director.  We began, as we always do, with some prayer.  On Friday, she used a prayer out of one of her prayer books, and then we launched into discussion.

We talked about our general anxiety about the time we're living in:  pandemic, politics, economics, such an uncertain future.  We talked about our different churches' approaches.  Her is opening slowly with people spaced far apart and not singing.  Mine is staying virtual until at least Labor Day.

We then talked about my specific anxieties about keeping people safe, even as I realize I can't keep people safe.  We talked about ways to return to a centered space, a grounded consciousness, throughout the day, even if I can't take specific prayer breaks a la the liturgy of the hours.  Perhaps I could take a word from my morning watch to meditate on through the day.  Perhaps I could do something specific during breaks when I try to get away from my computer screen and get some steps in.  We talked about having a short mantra and having each step correspond to a specific word--a slow, meditative approach to walking.

We also tried to get to the root of my feeling responsible for everyone's safety.  Was that rooted in childhood?  Not that I could see.  Some specific trauma?  None that seems a particular triggering episode.

We talked about how it's important to give grown people their agency in their responsibility to keep themselves safe--and we acknowledged how hard this is.

Now these ideas are not new to me--not at all.  I feel it may be my life's task to try to reign in my anxiety, to try to be more Zen Kristin and not Control Freak Kristin.  I make a bit of progress, have a bit of set back, zig, zag, zig.

We did some talking about safe spaces and about creating more spaces that feel comforting.  I didn't talk about my underlying weariness of years of home repair that still aren't finished, but I did want to record that idea here too.  My spouse and I had been talking about my parents being here in December and how we'd like the house to look more finished.

Because it's spiritual direction, not psychotherapy, we talked about where we see God in it all, what God would say to us.  I don't believe in a God that comes in with a magic wand or a magic word to get rid of all of the consequences of our bad decisions and bad behaviors.  But I do believe in a God who is walking beside us, sharing ideas for better living, rooting for us, and cheering us on.

We closed with prayer, and I was on my way.  So far, I feel refreshed after each session, but it's more than that.  After each session, I feel like I do after a great yoga session--realigned in important ways.  Each session gives me important reminders and spiritual tools to try.

It's important work we're doing.  I hope we can continue to do it.