Seventh Visit to the Spiritual Director

 Yesterday I made the long drive down to Cutler Bay for my seventh visit to the spiritual director.  I had originally scheduled my appointment for 2 weeks ago, but I rescheduled because I expected to spend that afternoon going over accreditation reports with my boss.  But that day, my boss was let go.

We talked about the difference in my work environment with my boss gone, and then we talked about my sponge like capacity to absorb the moods of others.  We talked about my need to be the good girl, the effective worker, the one who does the work that pleases others.  Those desires are rooted in my desire to solve problems--and we talked about the fact that those problems aren't always mine to solve.

I also talked about my fears of being a spiritual director and watching people suffer and not being able to help.  I've been having second thoughts of a sort about this career path.  I've been worrying that it might be more like being a psychotherapist than a retreat director.

My spiritual director said that she sees her role as a holy listener, as someone who can ask a pertinent question here or there, but not someone who's trying to solve problems or even help people solve problems; instead, the director and directee are trying to discern the presence of God.

As we often do, we got to a deeper discussion.  Yesterday, we talked about our beliefs that we are the way God works to improve the world--God's work, our hands, right?  But why do we believe the world is so fallen, so broken, so in need of ongoing redemption?

We could spend the rest of our days talking about these theological ideas, but it's not a seminary class, it's a spiritual direction appointment.  We talked about the need for us to get out of the way so that God can fix things.

We talked about an idea made popular by Al-Anon, about detaching with love.  I often feel like if I'm detaching, even with love, that I'm leaving people to flounder, suffer, and fail.  But what if, by my detachment, I leave space for God to move in and get to work?

I resisted the urge to bring up free will-- how does God get to work if we believe in free will?

We ended by talking about how we might pray differently.  Instead of praying with folded hands and bowed head, the way we were taught as children, she sat with both feet on the floor and a hand on each thigh.  In this position, we prayed for those for whom we are concerned.  Then we turned our palms up and prayed, "Into your hands, we commend all for whom we pray, trusting in your mercy."

We also talked about the posture of holding one's hands up above the head, so that the whole body is shaped like a chalice.  My spiritual director talked about the image of God drinking out of the chalice of our prayer.

And then we finished, as we always do, with prayer--this time, we tried the postures with our hands.  I like a posture that reminds me of a larger vision, and this one works for me.

Let me hope that I remember to use it so that I don't forget it.