Fourteenth Visit to the Spiritual Director

When I visited my spiritual direction in March, I didn't do a blog post about it.  I think it's because we spent much of the time talking about the possibility of seminary--it didn't seem to warrant a blog post, or maybe there was something else I wanted to think about here in blogland.  I recall that we didn't have a time of deep insight, but it was good to talk about the process.  

She reminded me that we had been doing a lot of discernment together, and she offered to talk/report to the candidacy committee if necessary--hurrah!  I had to postpone our April meeting because I was able to get an appointment to get a vaccine, and I didn't want to risk being in the car on a trip to Miami if side effects kicked in. 

Yesterday, I met with my spiritual director again.  I brought her up to date with where I am in the process:  I've applied to seminary and been accepted, I've told Wesley that I plan to start in the Fall, and I've completed the reams of paperwork for the candidacy committee.  We talked briefly about the psychological evaluations and the larger process.

What was most helpful to me was the discussion about my feelings of guilt about seizing this opportunity.  I worry that I'm being selfish, even as I realize all the years when I've put other needs above my own yearnings, the years I've been helping others achieve their goals and dreams.  My job is ending--I'm not leaving a job with good pay and benefits to pursue this dream.  And it's a degree program that might lead to better job opportunities--it's not like I'm headed off to study an arcane subject that will never result in a job.

Of course, if I was heading off to get a PhD in an arcane subject, would that matter?  

I am wondering if my worries about seeming selfish come from years of being the main wage earner, the one with the job that pays the mortgage and provides the health insurance.  Or does it come from decades of conditioning in being a female in this society, where we are socialized to always put the needs of everyone before our own.

We talked about the fact that my spouse supports my yearnings and my decision to go to Wesley, but he doesn't want to move.  We've done commuting marriage before, and those years were some of the best of our marriage.  We talked about my fear of leaving and coming back to find him starved to death in a corner of the house, and we talked about how absurd that fear is.

She reminded me that I've been wrestling with this aspect of my personality, this feeling like I am the one who can keep my loved ones safe, even though I know that I can't.  We talked about ways to deal with that anxiety--you're probably not surprised to hear that we talked about prayer, about visualizing Christ in a boat in a storm.

My spiritual director is one of the few people with whom I can use the language of Ignatian discernment.  Is this decision made in a state of consolation or desolation?  These decisions about going to seminary were made in a state of consolation--I do not have any doubt about that.

My spiritual director reminded me that even a state of desolation doesn't mean that God has abandoned us.  On the contrary, God can use that state to bring us even closer.  She suggested that when I'm feeling anxious about the aspects of this decision and this new direction, that I pray instead of pushing those feelings down or denying that they exist.

It was a good visit.  Other sessions have been more revelatory, but this one was satisfying in its own way.