Third Visit to the Spiritual Director

Saturday I went to my third meeting with my spiritual director.  Our first meeting was scheduled for early February, but I rescheduled because I was sick with a nasty cough, and one night I had a fever and shivering that woke me up out of sleep.  At the time, I thought it was just a nasty cold.  I still think it was just a nasty cold, but I don't usually have a fever or chills, so I confess, as I've read theories about COVID-19 spreading earlier than once thought, I have wondered.

Anyway, we rescheduled for late February.  The first meeting was really a getting to know you meeting to decide if we thought it would be a good idea to enter into the spiritual director relationship.  At the time, we didn't really discuss the pandemic, as I recall.  I talked about issues at work; we'd just launched a midquarter start session of classes, and the intense focus on that start had left the management team stressed. I remember talking a bit about that.

We decided that we would enter into a spiritual director-directee partnership (and my seminary teachers back in January would remind me that there's a third entity there, the Holy Spirit).  In late March we met again.  I was stressed for a very different reason--this session was the one where we talked about ways to cope.  My director suggested that I breathe in focusing on one word and breathe out focusing on a different word.  I modified that practice using just one word.  It has helped me fall back asleep at night when panic shakes me awake.

Yesterday, I met with my director again.  She remembered a lot--note to self that I should make notes after sessions, for the time when I am the director in the relationship.  She remembered that I had wanted to do more sketching, and in fact, I have been doing that, as I've recorded a Morning Watch devotional each morning.

At one point yesterday, she asked how I would sketch my feelings, if I sketched them.  It was a cool question.

Yesterday, I realized I'm in a better psychological place.  I'm getting used to this new normal.  A month ago, I still wasn't sure what to expect as we moved to a different way of delivering classes.  A month ago, I wasn't sure if we'd have access to grocery stores--I wouldn't have been surprised to be ordered inside and to have the military patrolling the streets.  Happily, our new approach to classes is going well, and we have a different sort of quarantine.

My spiritual director often moved our conversation back to where we're finding God in these times.  It's a great question for spiritual direction.

At one point, I told her that I didn't believe in an all powerful God.  She wasn't as shocked by that as she might have been.  We talked about what we believe that God can and cannot do, and about how people respond.  We talked about the megachurch who had a pastor who declared that God would protect them when they met in person--but he died of the virus.  What do his parishioners do with that outcome?

I keep trying to think about how this process is and is not similar to psychotherapy.  I've known therapists, but I've never done therapy.  In some ways, this relationship is not what my therapist friends would describe.  We are both Lutherans in leadership positions at church, so we have conversations at points.  And each of my sessions with my spiritual director has lasted 75-90 minutes, so that would be very unusual in the therapy world.

I don't know if this time frame is usual.  I don't look at my watch while I'm there, and she doesn't have a timepiece either.

As I drove away, I thought about how I felt and how it was similar to how I feel after a yoga class.  It's a significant time commitment in a way--it takes an hour to drive down, an hour to drive back--unless it's a day like Saturday, when the Turnpike was completely shut down. 

But at this point, it's worth it.  I'm learning a lot, both about myself and about how to be a spiritual director.