Hospice Chaplain Thoughts and the Underlying Yearnings

Almost every day, I go to Broward General Hospital.  I am a member of a gym there, on the 8th floor.  I see a lot of hospital life on my way to the gym.  I've often wondered what it would be like to be a hospice chaplain.

Most of my friends think I'm crazy.  They ask why I would want to be part of the saddest time of people's lives.

I always say that I want to be present for people as they go through significant life transitions.  I want to pray with them.  I want to help keep the focus on the important things.

Earlier this week, as my mind wandered through these familiar tracks, I thought that hospice chaplain or not, I'd like to be more fully present for the people in my life. 

That led me to think, do I really want to be a hospice chaplain?  Or is that yearning just a surface symptom of a deeper longing?

I feel like I have a full, rich life.  Some weeks, I even feel it's balanced:  I give equal time to my writing, my friends, my spouse, and my work.  Some weeks, I feel quite out of balance.

But even the weeks when I'm feeling balanced, I'm feeling rushed and hurried.  I'm thinking ahead to the next thing I have to do.  I'm making lists in my head.  I'm realizing I forgot something and trying to think about what it was and whether or not it's important.

In short, even when I'm balanced, I'm not fully present.  Can I say I'm balanced, if I'm not present?

How can I be more present?

An obvious answer would be that I need to get rid of some of my activities.  But which ones?  Some don't bring me joy--like Church Council--but I realize they're important and few people are willing to do it.  I have to work, so a substantial chunk of time vanishes that way.  And my friends and I already have trouble finding time to get together, so I don't want to decide not to meet with them. 

Some people might say I exercise too much--at least once a day I'm at the gym, on most days; some days I go back for an additional class.  But I know what happens when I don't exercise.  I know how important exercise is.

So, if I can't/won't ditch activities, how can I be more present?

I need to work harder at not letting my monkey mind wander away.  I need to be more conscious of when I'm thinking about something else as I'm in the middle of another activity.  I need to bring my mind back.

I need to be gentle with myself in this process.  I need to train my brain.

I'm tired just thinking about it.  And soon, the holiday season begins in earnest, and there will be more distractions.

Could I find spiritual activities to keep my mind focused?  Could this be the year that we actually use our Advent wreath all the way to Christmas?  Could I carry those activities--or something similar--into the new year?

I suspect this project, the being-fully-present project, will be a life-long discipline, or perhaps more accurately, a life-long disciplining process.