Stress Report

On Sunday, Feb. 28, I wrote this e-mail to a friend:

"I feel like I'm in this strange head space that my head doesn't usually occupy. There are lots of unknowns and several possible timelines, and I am going with the flow, trusting in God. I am usually the person with a plan A, B, and C, a back up plan for each, and a remote back up plan in case of utter disaster. But with this heading to seminary, I'm in a strange laid back place in terms of the time line and the process--and I must say, I like it very much.

That's not to say that I'm not being proactive. It is a process that requires much--which is a bit astonishing to me. But I'm not stressed, the way I might usually be, or overwhelmed. I'm just completing tasks, step by step, trusting in the overall vision. It's that Ignatian concept (maybe it is? it's still fairly new to me) of consolation, not desolation, I think."

I knew at the time that I wrote it that those words would come back to haunt me.  By yesterday morning, I woke up feeling awash in anxiety about a variety of outcomes.  Who did I think I was applying to seminary and candidacy?  Surely I'm on a road to bankruptcy.  It wasn't too long before the spiral of too old/too late/too unworthy started to drag me down.  And now people have made an effort for me--written me letters and sent me words of encouragement--now I'll let all those people down.

I spent the morning working on calming myself down--and realizing that part of my anxiety is rooted in the changes coming at work, now that it looks like they are finally coming.  The sale of my school to the school in Brooklyn is scheduled for March 24, and this time, it looks like it will actually happen.  

Oh, and we have an accreditation visit this week--and it's virtual, a type of visit I've never experienced before.

So, it's no wonder that my anxiety comes to visit here and there.  Let me continue to remember not to undo decisions made in a time of consolation.