I had written her an e-mail, a version of the e-mail that I sent to many people in my life when I discovered the program and started the application and candidacy process. I did that in part because we only have 60-75 minutes, and I didn't want to spend that time talking about certain logistics.
We talked about the discernment process, which is something we've been talking about since our first appointment a year ago. We talked about going to a Methodist seminary versus the seminaries in other denominations.
My spiritual director is an ELCA pastor, so she's got certain insights that I value. We talked about doctrinal issues--where might I agree and disagree? I talked about my problems with penal substitutionary theology--the idea that God can only love us because Jesus agreed to crucifixion to take care of our sins. We talked about the idea of grace.
Early on in our session, I talked about my longing for a work life that's more integrated, and when asked to expand on that, I said that I've met a lot of artists who don't have much use for God and the Church, and I've met lots of Church people who say that they're not creative, but I haven't met many people who want to explore both creativity and Christian faith. My spiritual director said that I'll be able to use that yearning to provide interesting opportunities for my congregation. She talked about her own experiences with contemplative Christianity and the ways she brings that focus to her church.
As we ended, she said that some candidacy committees require a year of discernment before they give approval, and that if that's the case, she'd be happy to attest that we've spent the past year doing that kind of discernment. I told her that I knew that all that we talk about is held in confidence, but that she should feel free to share those details if necessary, that we haven't discussed anything that I haven't already discussed with everybody else in my life.
It's kind of startling to realize that's true. Am I really living a life that open? Do I not have any deep, dark secrets? Does that mean I'm boring? Am I repressing something? I don't think so, but then again, would I know?
As we ended, my spiritual director said that she was seeing a willingness to embrace this future, even though I wasn't sure of the ending, and that was something she hadn't seen in me before. We have discussed my need for control, my need to have a plan, and five back up plans, so she's aware of this aspect of me.
We were at the end of the session, so we didn't discuss this, but I've only been this way at certain junctures in the past: when my spouse went back to grad school and a few years later, when we made the decision to move to South Florida and see what we could make happen. Those were real "leap and the net will appear" moments for me. Clearly, I haven't continued to live out that philosophy year after year after year.
Maybe this will be the decade that I live into that vision.
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