Yesterday was one of the days when I wished that my spiritual director lived closer to me. She's down in south Miami, just above Homestead, and I've never made it to her house in less than 45 minutes. Yesterday there was more traffic than there has been, along with rain and road construction.
We talked about my week of tiredness, about how each night I've wanted to go to bed around 7 or 7:30--how I feel weird about that, like I'm wasting time somehow. I also talked about how I feel guilty if I'm awake in the middle of the night, and I pray myself to sleep. It's a similar dynamic, worrying that I'm not being present in my relationships.
In the case of going to bed early, I'm not sure that being awake improves my relationship with my spouse. We'd often just be watching blah TV, which is why I'm often ready to go to sleep.
We also talked about how I'm getting through the days if I'm not feeling rested. My spiritual director asked me how I prayed, and I realized I'm not really praying much in the day. I talked about my morning practice and how I feel grounded and connected to a spiritual source in the morning, and how I feel like I lose that connection through the day.
I also wondered out loud if people who work in a more spiritual place, like a church camp, feel similarly or if being in the more spiritual place keeps them grounded. I feel like there's a level of spiritual evolution that I haven't achieved yet, where I could stay connected to the spiritual source all day, regardless of what's happening.
We talked about my sketching practice, both in the morning, and these sketches that I make each day:
I probably didn't explain well enough why I make those kinds of sketches. I started doing it when we had students coming back to campus in May. We have each visitor to campus fill out a symptom sheet that has their name and date, and I knew that people would ask me the date. So I started making a sketch with the date on it. I've really enjoyed making the sketch and seeing it throughout the day. And I also enjoy seeing the pile of them, because of course, I've kept them all.
We talked about making a sketch or noting a word in a small notebook in the morning and carrying it with me throughout the day. My spiritual director suggested adding to the sketch throughout the day. It would serve as a journal of sorts. I have a variety of small notebooks that I haven't used. I plan to start this during the coming week.
We finished by talking about the value of rest, which Bible verses speak to me about rest. I thought about Psalm 91, the one about the plague that flies in the night, the pestilence in the day, and how God protects us from whatever seeks to harm us. I also said, "Be still and know that I am God." My spiritual director talked about the Gospel passage about the yoke being light, "come to me, and I will give you rest."
My spiritual director walks me to the door each time I leave, and she often comes outside and watches me drive away. I noticed that yesterday she didn't have her usual cheerful look on her face. I'm going to resist the temptation to think that it's about me, but my first thought was to worry that she's getting tired of hearing me drone on and on about my spiritual stuff.
I want to record it so that I remember this as I launch my own spiritual direction practice. It's also good to remember regardless--let me remember the value of a smile, a smile as people come to my presence, a smile as people leave.
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