Eighteenth and Nineteenth Visits to the Spiritual Director

Two years ago, I went to my first meeting with the spiritual director.  It was our getting to know you meeting, and from there, we both decided to work together.  Faithful readers of this blog may have noticed that I have done a write up each time I visit her.  In part, I did that because I wanted a record, both for myself and in case the spiritual direction certificate program asked about it.

I had always been interested in the idea of a spiritual director, but I had never had one of my own.  When I started the spiritual direction certificate program, I knew that it was a requirement that I find one.  On the whole, it's been a good experience.  I often hear my spiritual director ask me, "How are you praying about that?"

We've also done a lot of work on the idea of my need to control not only my life, but the choices of my loved ones.  We've talked a lot about how interference means that individuals don't get to do the healing and walk the path that they need to.

My eighteenth visit to my spiritual director was in December, and we talked about whether or not to continue seeing each other.  We were both willing, but my spiritual director did comment that she noticed that at times we were going deep into a subject, and she noticed that I would pull back.

I spent the last two months thinking about that trait of mine.  I immediately knew that she wasn't wrong about my tendency to back away from painful topics.  In large part, I knew that I would cry, and I didn't want to return to the office with a blotchy face.  And there's something about crying that makes me feel like I'm being a burden to whomever is watching me cry, even as I realize that those people aren't likely to feel that way about me.  Part of it is exhaustion because I'm usually covering the same emotional territory, and I'm just ready to be done with it.

Aren't I spiritually developed and evolved yet?

Yes, I do realize that most types of development more represent a spiral than a straight line.  Sigh.

When I visited my spiritual director on Thursday, our nineteenth visit, I returned to the question about vulnerability and my tendency to back away.  It was a fruitful conversation, as was the rest of our conversation.  Between our 18th and 19th visits, lots had happened:  we sold our house, and I was severed from my full-time job.  Neither event was unexpected, but the timeline wasn't clear at my 18th visit.

As I drove home, I heard a bit of President Biden's press conference about the U.S. response to the Russian invasion of Ukraine.  I was impressed with how resolute he sounded, how calm, how firm.  I thought of ancient prophets.  Would I have thought of ancient prophets if I hadn't been working on several projects for a seminary class?  Probably.

After dinner, before my Thursday night class, we went out to the rooftop deck of our parking garage to see the sun set.  I thought about my spiritual director's most common question and that night, the way that we prayed about it all was to sing "Dona Nobis Pacem."