Sixteenth Visit to the Spiritual Director

This time, I tried something different:  an 11:00 a.m. appointment.  From the point of view of traffic, it was better.  I didn't shave much time off my trip, but it wasn't as stressful with fewer cars on the road. 

The last time I went to my spiritual director, it was exactly 2 months ago.  Amazing to think about what all has happened since then:  I've registered for my seminary classes and gotten approval from the Candidacy Committee.  But I was surprised to think about the development which seems like the largest in many ways.

We spent time talking about the decision to sell our house and the condo that we've found to rent.  Why does this decision feel bigger than the seminary decisions?  I was already on a path to seminary.  But the last time I met with her, my spouse was deeply conflicted about what to do in terms of housing.  We talked about all sorts of options, like renting out the cottage or moving into the cottage and renting out the larger house.  There are many days when I'm surprised by how we are both on board now with selling and moving.  In April, I would not have foreseen that we could get to this point, or at least not by July.

The house is not on the market just yet.  We've both been feeling overwhelmed, so we are focusing on the move first and then we'll spruce the house up a bit and put the sign in the yard--fingers crossed that we're one of those stories of the house selling in one week.

I still feel an odd mixture of emotions when it comes to the house, a bit of guilt, a bit of shame, a bit of sadness, a readyness to move on and a bit of guilt about feeling that way.  But today, sitting with my spiritual director, I framed it differently:  I'm ready for someone else to have this house, someone who might have the time, energy, and resources to help it realize its full potential.

At the end of the session, I asked my spiritual director if we should keep meeting.  I wanted to give her the option of moving on.  I don't know why I worry that she's getting tired of me, but that is a worry of mine.  I sometimes hear myself going over ground that we've discussed in prior sessions, and it irritates me--why haven't I improved yet?  

Happily, she doesn't seem to feel the same way about me.  We've decided to keep meeting, even though our last 10 minutes were spent with her congratulating me for making progress in controlling my control freak self--she used much nicer language, of course, talking about my willingness to be open to possibilities and to see where paths might take me.

Neither one of us used this language that comes to me now:  I'm not rushing the Holy Spirit.  May I continue to be able to live in this reality.