I will not be going to church this morning. Of course, for months I've thought I wouldn't be going to church on the Sunday of Presidents Day week-end. I thought that my sister and nephew would be here from Thursday night to Monday morning.
But on Thursday, my sister called to say that they had snow above the tires of the cars (they live in Maryland), with another foot expected. And so, she rescheduled for late March.
We've all been disappointed, but I've been less disappointed than I expected to be. My spouse is sick with something that resembles flu. We never get flu down here, at least not in our house. But Friday night, he felt so hot that I dug out a thermometer, just to make sure he wasn't at risk.
We only have a thermometer because a decade ago, my spouse had reconstructive surgery on a finger that had had an ugly encounter with a table saw. The doctor told us we needed to monitor his temperature, which would serve as an early warning if infection set in. Happily, he never had a fever, and the thermometer has been gathering dust--until Friday night.
Sure enough, my spouse has a fever in the 102 range. I tried to remember what I know about fevers and at what point they're dangerous. I remember nothing. But if his fever starts to spike, we'll have him soak in our backyard pool, which is quite chilly these days. It won't be pleasant, but it will likely do the trick.
In the meantime, he's taking fluids and aspirin. And I'm having a pleasant week-end, nesting at home. I've roasted chicken and made chicken and dumplings. I've done laundry. I've worked on writing projects and my online classes.
I won't go to church this morning. I had told people I wouldn't be coming because my sister and nephew would be here. And now, even though they're not, I don't want to expose people to whatever my spouse has. Is he contagious? Am I a carrier? I don't know.
It's also a bit of either laziness or avoidance. I like the idea of staying quiet at home, working on projects, keeping an eye on my spouse's fever. Going to church requires getting ready and a drive that seems longer than it should. At least the service I attend most regularly has to stick to a schedule: done by 10:45 or 10:50 so that people can get to the late service if they have duties there. When I go to the later service, often in addition to the 9:45 service, it really eats up a huge chunk of the day.
Once, the Sunday morning effort seemed more worthwhile. Now, I feel more weary and more willing to consider skipping church.
I wonder if something in me is shifting. Or has something shifted at my church? Or does it have to do with the difficult financial stuff that our church Council had to deal with as the year ended? Is it just cyclical? I'm not sure yet.
I'm trying to just sit quietly with these feelings. I'm trying to remember that a feeling/emotion does not necessarily require action. I'm trying to remain open to wherever the Spirit may be leading me, even though I don't like this feeling of not being sure of anything anymore.
feeling the feelings…
4 months ago