Finding Jesus Irritating in a Surprising Way

Back in January, at the onground intensive for my spiritual direction certificate, one of our leaders suggested that we read a book of the Bible for the next year, a chapter a day, and when we got to the end, we start over again.  He suggested the book of John, the book of Psalms, or a specific Paul letter, but I can't remember which one.

I chose John.

I have now read through the book of John several times.  It takes me about 3 weeks.  After I read through the book of John once, I decided to also add another Gospel.  I've made my way through all 3 gospels, and now I'm back to Mark.

It's been interesting reading the gospels this way.  I've been interested to see how each writer structured the story, interested to see both the similarities and differences, interested to see how the familiar lectionary readings are as we read them in context.

I expected to be interested in those ways.  But here's what I didn't expect.  Lately, I've been battling the feeling that I don't really like this Jesus very much.

The book of John has never been my favorite.  I expected some irritation, and indeed, it's there.  For me, the mystical Jesus in the book of John is speaking in nonsense babble most of the time--I differentiate this Jesus from the Jesus who speaks in parables.

And I find myself getting irritated with Jesus for his habit of going against authorities--I didn't expect that.  The fights he picks seem less consequential to me:  lots of going back and forth about working on the Sabbath for example.

And yes, I understand why he chose these battles.  Taken out of context, it seems brave.  But in context, I'm not seeing lots of other battles, the ones I thought he fought.

He just irritates me somehow.  Yes, I realize that probably means my mindset is closer to those of the Pharisees than Jesus, and yes, that concerns me.  For almost a decade now, I've been aware that I'm more of a Pilate than I am any of the other characters in the Jesus story, and yes, that bothers me.

I really didn't expect to be so irritated by Jesus.  I wanted to record it here, because it's such an unexpected part of reading the gospels over and over again.  I want to remember that I felt this way.

I want to see if my feelings change as this experiment continues.

Meditation on This Sunday's Gospel

The readings for Sunday, May 3, 2020:

First Reading: Acts 2:42-47

Psalm: Psalm 23

Second Reading: 1 Peter 2:19-25

Gospel: John 10:1-10


In this week's Gospel, Christ mixes metaphors a bit, talking about sheep and calling himself a doorway for the sheep to find pasture. He also warns of thieves and robbers, and we might ask ourselves who are modern day thieves and robbers? Who are the ones who would lead us astray?

Well, there are lots of contenders, aren't there? But the ones I'm finding most insidious these days are all the electronic activities which steal so much of our time away from us. I see more and more people bent over their phones, oblivious to the world around them.

You don’t believe me? Try an Internet fast and see what happens. Could you go for a day without logging on? Could you go for a week?

These days, many of us rely on the Internet as we shift our work and education activities to be online so that we can work remotely.  In some ways, it's a wonderful thing.  In some ways, it robs us further of time and attention.

We might tell ourselves that we use our online time to stay connected to family and friends, and I will admit that it’s easier to stay in touch with some people via Facebook than it was with e-mail or old-fashioned paper letters. But most of us don’t post very deep thoughts on our Facebook accounts. A brief status update is better than nothing. But often, I find myself wondering how my friends are REALLY doing.

But do I take the time to write a Facebook message to ask? No. I’m too busy racing off to the next Internet diversion.

We might tell ourselves that the Internet allows us to stay current with what’s happening in the world, and in some ways, it’s a wonderful thing. I can read newspapers from all over the world, often for the price of my Internet connection. Not only that, I can read the opinions of others about those articles. In some forums, I can trade ideas with people. But all of that staying current comes with a price: it takes time away from other activities. Some of those displaced activities might be trading ideas with real people in a real conversation.

Very few of us will find real community via the Internet. We often think we don't have time because we're all very busy these days. But what is really sucking away our time? For some of us, it is, indeed, our jobs. For many of us, it’s our Internet lives: we’ve got a lot of stuff to read, videos to watch, plus games to play, plus status updates, and all the information we can Google now, and so we do (whereas before, if it required a trip to the library, many of us would have stayed ignorant). And if you’re like me, once you’ve spent so much of your day staring at screens, you may find it hard to reconnect to humans at the end of the day. You may feel your brain gone fuzzy. You may find yourself irritable at these humans who demand that you respond. You may withdraw before you ever have/take/make time to reconnect.

The Internet also takes time away from our relationship with God. I’ve found useful websites that allow me to pray the Liturgy of the Hours, but for the most part, I’m not noodling around the Internet looking for ways to enhance my relationship with God—or with anyone else, for that matter. I suspect that if I’m brutally honest, even my relationship with myself suffers when I spend too much time on the Internet.

Now the Internet is not the only tool and resource that allows us to sidestep the hard work of relationship. Some of us narcotize ourselves with television or with spending more hours at work than the work requires or with the relentless pace of the activities that our children do (and need us to drive them to) or any of the other countless activities that humans use in ways that aren’t healthy.

These activities can not only keep us from relationship with humans but can deafen our ears to the voice of that shepherd that goes out looking for us. Our Bible tells us over and over that God yearns to be in relationship with us. But if we’re too busy for our families and friends, we’re likely not making time for God either.

So, try an Internet sabbath, even if it’s just for a few hours a week. Try doing it every week. Make a phone call to someone you love who can't come to you. Read a book. Play an old-fashioned board game. Listen for the voice of God who calls to you across space and time. Answer.

Should Churches Get Stimulus Money?

Last week, some of my friends had a friendly conversation about churches getting stimulus money.  One of my friends said that he would be fine with churches getting stimulus money if they paid taxes.  While I agree that he has a point, overall, I disagree. 

Here's how I really feel:  in the time of the largest worldwide crisis since World War II and/or the Great Depression, we shouldn't limit who gets stimulus money.  We need to help a variety of institutions survive.

I am one of the people who was not outraged to discover that some large restaurant chains got stimulus money, so I'm coming from a different viewpoint than most people.  Those chains have payroll too, and they don't have business right now.  I don't assume that they have pots of money stashed away for a time of pandemic.

My church applied for a PPE loan and got it.  Most of it will go to pay the small number of our employees:  the pastor, the organist, and the woman who cleans the church.  I realize that many people who contribute to a church don't want their offerings to go to payroll.  When I was younger, I felt this way too.  Now that I'm older, I realize that parts of the church like the food pantry won't exist without payroll.

I know that many people who hear about churches getting money are thinking about megachurches, the Shake Shacks of the church world.  My church is about as far away from that vision as it's possible to be.  The non-festival Sundays when we have more than 75 people in the pews are few and far between.  Most of our members are elderly and poor.  Frankly, I'm amazed we make payroll at all.

But we do have a building, and we've tried to steward that resource.  We have others using the space as much as we can, and they contribute towards expenses.  So far, some of those groups are still contributing, even though we're all sheltering in place with gatherings larger than 10 people banned.

As we think about the trillions of dollars that are being disbursed, I realize we can have voracious disagreements about who should get that money.  I realize that not every recipient will be deserving.

But I believe that churches offer lots of community support in a variety of ways, ways that are often unseen by the larger majority of the community.  I'm happy to have stimulus money go that way.

Third Visit to the Spiritual Director

Saturday I went to my third meeting with my spiritual director.  Our first meeting was scheduled for early February, but I rescheduled because I was sick with a nasty cough, and one night I had a fever and shivering that woke me up out of sleep.  At the time, I thought it was just a nasty cold.  I still think it was just a nasty cold, but I don't usually have a fever or chills, so I confess, as I've read theories about COVID-19 spreading earlier than once thought, I have wondered.

Anyway, we rescheduled for late February.  The first meeting was really a getting to know you meeting to decide if we thought it would be a good idea to enter into the spiritual director relationship.  At the time, we didn't really discuss the pandemic, as I recall.  I talked about issues at work; we'd just launched a midquarter start session of classes, and the intense focus on that start had left the management team stressed. I remember talking a bit about that.

We decided that we would enter into a spiritual director-directee partnership (and my seminary teachers back in January would remind me that there's a third entity there, the Holy Spirit).  In late March we met again.  I was stressed for a very different reason--this session was the one where we talked about ways to cope.  My director suggested that I breathe in focusing on one word and breathe out focusing on a different word.  I modified that practice using just one word.  It has helped me fall back asleep at night when panic shakes me awake.

Yesterday, I met with my director again.  She remembered a lot--note to self that I should make notes after sessions, for the time when I am the director in the relationship.  She remembered that I had wanted to do more sketching, and in fact, I have been doing that, as I've recorded a Morning Watch devotional each morning.

At one point yesterday, she asked how I would sketch my feelings, if I sketched them.  It was a cool question.

Yesterday, I realized I'm in a better psychological place.  I'm getting used to this new normal.  A month ago, I still wasn't sure what to expect as we moved to a different way of delivering classes.  A month ago, I wasn't sure if we'd have access to grocery stores--I wouldn't have been surprised to be ordered inside and to have the military patrolling the streets.  Happily, our new approach to classes is going well, and we have a different sort of quarantine.

My spiritual director often moved our conversation back to where we're finding God in these times.  It's a great question for spiritual direction.

At one point, I told her that I didn't believe in an all powerful God.  She wasn't as shocked by that as she might have been.  We talked about what we believe that God can and cannot do, and about how people respond.  We talked about the megachurch who had a pastor who declared that God would protect them when they met in person--but he died of the virus.  What do his parishioners do with that outcome?

I keep trying to think about how this process is and is not similar to psychotherapy.  I've known therapists, but I've never done therapy.  In some ways, this relationship is not what my therapist friends would describe.  We are both Lutherans in leadership positions at church, so we have conversations at points.  And each of my sessions with my spiritual director has lasted 75-90 minutes, so that would be very unusual in the therapy world.

I don't know if this time frame is usual.  I don't look at my watch while I'm there, and she doesn't have a timepiece either.

As I drove away, I thought about how I felt and how it was similar to how I feel after a yoga class.  It's a significant time commitment in a way--it takes an hour to drive down, an hour to drive back--unless it's a day like Saturday, when the Turnpike was completely shut down. 

But at this point, it's worth it.  I'm learning a lot, both about myself and about how to be a spiritual director.

Pandemic and the Protections Needed

After reading this article by  Kristen Kuempel, the Lutheran (ELCA) bishop of the Northwest Intermountain synod, I begin to wonder if it will be wise to gather in larger groups (20+) until we have a cure or a vaccine.  I had already been thinking about what might be needed in terms of sanitizing.  I hadn't thought about insurance and liability issues, and not only for the immediate group but for all who use the facilities.

If someone comes to our church and later has COVID-19, can liability be proven?  Can others who were exposed have a lawsuit?  Would a letter that releases liability hold up in court?

This sentence got my attention:  "Please keep in mind that pastors AND council members can be held personally liable for any decisions they make in this area, risking not only the congregation’s financial security, but their own."

Long ago, I helped change insurance policies for our church, but I couldn't tell you much about liability, beyond the safe space regulations that we needed to make sure we had in place to keep people of all ages safe from predators, primarily the sexual kind.

I'm fairly sure that our church insurance policy doesn't cover pandemic and the protections needed, at least not in a specific way.

Sketching Hope

My morning schedule got out of whack, but in good ways:

--I slept a bit later--until just before 5 a.m., which is unusual, especially these days.

--I did more with sketching this morning.

--We had some rain which disrupted my plans to walk.

--My spouse and I had coffee on the porch and watched the rain.

--And then, the rain cleared, and we took a short walk.

I will leave you with the sketch I did.  In case the quote isn't readable, here it is in a more accessible format:

"Hope is not something subjective due to an optimistic or sanguine temperament, . . .  .  It is a light force which radiates objectively and which directs creative evolution toward the world's future.  . . .
hope is what moves and directs spiritual evolution in the world."  Valentin Tomberg

What the Create in Me Retreat Means to Me

Yesterday, a seminary student wrote to me to ask if she could get some information from me about the Create in Me retreat.  Of course I said yes. 

She sent this e-mail:

I appreciate your help! I just have four questions and would love to hear any basic information about you as well (family, involvement with church, involvement with camp, etc.).

1. How has the retreat affected you personally?
2. How have you seen the retreat change over the years?
3. Have you seen the retreat's planning or execution affected by either current events in the United States or the politics/happenings of the ELCA?
4. Can you describe any major changes that come to mind between the early years and current retreats?

Thank you again so much! Feel free to answer as many or as few as you feel like answering.

I really liked my answer, and so I'll post it here.  I realize that those of you who read this blog faithfully may feel like you've already read a variation of this answer, and you likely have.  It's good to remember why this retreat is important.

---------------------------------------

What great questions. My plan is to write a response this morning, and I may write a follow up e-mail in the next 24 hours. I could write a whole book about this retreat.

My background: my mom was one of the first camp counselors at Lutheridge; she worked there in one of the first summers the camp opened. It was important to her, and we came back as a family. I went to Lutheridge as a camper, and then again, in college for retreats. I never worked at Lutheridge because the year I applied, they had already filled positions by the time they got to my level (they started hiring with those who had finished the most college, and the year I applied, I had just finished one year). My family has come to Lutheridge once a year for a family reunion, almost always at Thanksgiving. We started doing this because it was the one place my grandmother would travel (her church in Greenwood, SC always came to Lutheridge for a Sunday picnic once or twice a year). We've continued gathering at Lutheridge even after my grandmother's death.

I've been going to the Create in Me retreat since 2003, and I've only missed 2 years before this year, when the retreat had to be cancelled because of the pandemic. This retreat has been one of the more important things in my life--it has grounded me and inspired me and nurtured me in a way that few other things have.

Lutheridge, too, as a place and as a group of people and as an idea has been one of the important things in my life.

Let me start with some of the easier questions.

#4 and #2 seem similar. The biggest change in the retreat came with the Faith Center. Before the Faith Center, we'd do the various drop in stations at different buildings across the Lutheridge campus. With the Faith Center, all the afternoon drop in stations are in the same space. This change leads to more fellowship, as we work in closer proximity. It also leads to cross-pollination, both in terms of ideas and materials. We've seen supplies from one drop in station migrate to another--and it's never planned, to my knowledge. It's just the serendipity of having materials nearby. There's also the serendipity of having people nearby--it makes asking questions and getting guidance easier.

#3. When I first started coming to the retreat, it was before the sexuality statement. It's been wonderful seeing people more able to be themselves. Before the sexuality statement, I could see people being careful not to reveal too much about sexuality or home life--this was particularly true for rostered people. I am not rostered, so I had more freedom, but I was still careful about not outing others. It's been great to see people be able to relax and to be honest about their situations.

In terms of the political situation, most of us seem to be left of center, and that hasn't changed. Some of us are more concerned about climate change than others, some of us have other issues that concerns us, but we all seem to be similarly situated when it comes to peace and justice issues. Most of us don't seem to be at the very edges of that left margin--closer to the center than the radical edge. Most of us are older, and most of us are in a precarious economic position--but not precarious enough to give us that reckless abandon one might see if we were truly poor. In other words, most of us have a lot to lose, and therefore, we're not as radical as we might have been in our youth.

I do realize that people with right of center politics may not be as open with someone like me who is left of center. I realize that they may come to the retreat and not come back.

I think that many of us have muddled politics too--we're left of center on some stuff, right of center on others. But most of us are part of ELCA denominations, most of which are less likely to be right wing. But most of us are coming from the southeast, where we're more likely to have some right leaning sympathies. For example, I'm not as anti-gun ownership as some of my more liberal friends.

#1. The retreat has affected me personally in so many ways. I'll list some here, and then I may write more later:

--I've made friends, many of them intense friendships. I feel like some of these people understand me in a way that few others do, even though we only see each other once a year, maybe twice, if we're on the planning team or come to Lutheridge for other reasons. I feel like I don't have to explain as much. In my regular life, I have friends who are religious/spiritual and friends who are creative/artistic, but few friends who understand/know the intersections. My Create in Me friends understand the intersections.

--Some of those friends have helped me at major transitions. We changed churches in 2008. I was very unhappy with our old church, and one of my Create in Me friends said, "You know, you've been talking about this for years now. When will you make a change?" There's a group of us who have been interested in seminary, and then in various certificate programs in spiritual direction. It's been wonderful not traveling that discernment road by myself.

--I've tried a variety of practices. With some, like the pottery wheel or a weaving loom, I say, "Well, I'm glad I didn't buy that piece of equipment, thinking I would love it." With some, I've kept up the practice (like spiritual sketching with Copic markers).

--I've brought ideas home. I teach English and writing of all sorts on the college level, and I often come home with ideas for the classroom. But more interestingly, I come home with ideas for how to do church differently. And happily, I'm now in a church that's open to some of these ideas. And my church is becoming known for its creative experiments. Because of that work, I've been asked to play a bigger role in Synod Assembly. Last year, I helped with the prayer chapel. This year, if we have Synod Assembly, I'm in charge of the prayer chapel, and I'm leading a workshop.

--I've also been a retreat leader at several women's retreats--I've used ideas I got at this retreat.

--But for me, the most important part has been the various human connections I've made. I've gotten support and inspiration. I've had rich conversations about how people are living their lives. I've realized how many ways there are to live a satisfying life--I'm not sure that many people have the opportunity to have that realization.

If I think of more, I'll let you know. And you can get far more information than you can likely use (and pictures!) if you go to my blogs and type Create in Me in the search box:

my creativity blog:

  

https://kristinberkey-abbott.blogspot.com/

my theology blog:

http://liberationtheologylutheran.blogspot.com/

And if you have any other questions, please feel free to write back.