Imposter Syndromes

 Over the week-end, I realized that another course shell for seminary had opened.  On Saturday, I spent a bit of time exploring while at the same time trying not to feel panic.  Some part of my brain watched from a distance, amused at the panic that I was trying to fight off.  I've done seminary classes before--why would I feel panic?  

I earned a Ph.D. in English--why would I feel panic?  And for that matter, where does this odd case of imposter syndrome come from?  I expected to feel like an imposter when I started grad school right out of undergraduate school.  But now?

To be clear, it's not a sense of imposter syndrome about being prepared for ministry.  It revolves around the issue of school itself.  It's partly about fear of being able to do the work--but I have been around enough decades to know that much of that ability is a time management ability, not an intellectual ability, and I have both time management and intellectual abilities enough to do MDiv level grad work.

I also feel weird about the money and the time that going back to grad school requires.  That's part of my imposter syndrome too.  I don't feel judgmental when I read about others who go back to school.  On the contrary, I feel a bit of envy.  But when I follow these opportunities?  My ugly inner voice sneers, "Who the heck are you to think that you deserve this?"

Along the road to this point in seminary, I've met so many women who decided to go to seminary in midlife, and that decision seems to have worked out well for each of them.  I am going to hold fast to the vision that they offer and the support and encouragement that they've give me.