Eighth Visit to the Spiritual Director

It was a strange day to go to see my spiritual director; it had been a day of upheaval at work on Friday.  Two people were laid off, our director of Admissions, with whom I had worked closely and the one non-director worker in Financial Aid.  It was also the last day on our campus for all of the Admissions Team.  Starting on Monday, they will work at the Ft. Lauderdale campus.

I wasn't so upset that I needed to cancel the appointment.  We've known that restructuring at school continues, so I was both surprised and not surprised.

During my Friday afternoon appointment with my spiritual director, we talked about how this news of layoffs and restructuring didn't make me particularly anxious.  On some level, I'm expecting to be laid off at some point.  I am not neglecting my responsibilities, mind you.  I continue to hope that if I do my best I'll have a space in the new structure.

We talked about my Zen Buddhist (?) idea to see the glass as not half empty or half full but already broken and the water having drained out.

We talked about my desire to move to the Carolinas, about how my spouse wants to stay here.  I talked about my frustration with feeling like I'm wasting time, while at the same time, wishing I had more time to do what brings me joy--morning contemplation, writing, sketching, creating. 

Near the end of my session, my spiritual director pointed out my negative imagery and asked me about that.  She asked me about whether or not the negative imagery leads me to be self-critical, and of course, it does.  She asked if we could think about transforming the thoughts--so we tried.

We thought about God using my frustration with not having enough time as an offering to seek out more opportunities to enter into that space that I crave more of--more time for thinking, creating, meditating, visioning.

My spiritual director asked me if I could transform our discussion into a prayer, and we did.  The one part I want to preserve:  I asked God to help me remember that I could have lots of opportunities for new adventures even without losing my job or moving to a new town.

We closed, as we always do, with prayer.  Then I made the long drive home.

I'd be happier if my spiritual director lived closer.  She offers other cool opportunities, but it's at least an hour drive each way.  And it's not an hour drive through delightful countryside--it's crazy Miami traffic on the Florida turnpike, complete with construction.

I'll continue to make the drive to see her once a month.  I continue to gain insight, so it's worth it to me.