Considering Centering Prayer

This week, I finished reading the second book for my certificate in spiritual direction:  Open Mind, Open Heart by Thomas Keating.  This book talks about centering prayer, which is a simple sounding process of sitting in silence for at least 20 minutes a day.  Not talking to God, but sitting in silence--and before starting, one chooses a sacred words so that when one notices stray thoughts, one can say the sacred word and call one's attention back.

The idea that prayer can be sitting in silence for 20 or more minutes was a challenge. I see this practice as meditation, not prayer. But I am willing to admit that I might be limited in my view of prayer. I am realizing how much I feel threatened by silence. I have always felt that silence meant someone was shutting me out and refusing to communicate. I’ve always known this about myself, but reading this book made me realize it again and again. How can we know each other if we’re silent together?

I am willing to admit that the ability to be silent can mean that we know each other more fully, without lots of language getting in the way and obscuring. But I am also realizing how much I rely on language to clarify—and I rely on this clarifying aspect, even as I’m willing to admit/realize how we can’t use language to clarify if we’re not in touch with our feelings—and I think that most of us aren’t deeply in touch with our feelings.

And when I use “we” above, I’m talking about me and anyone with whom I’m trying to be in relationship: God, friends, spouse, other communities. I do think that God is most deeply in touch with God’s own feelings, as well as the feelings of all of us. But I don’t think that each one of us really knows ourselves intimately or deeply. It’s just too hard to do that work, to face our shortcomings, to deal with all the negative stuff. And even if we’ve done that work periodically, it’s hard to stay tuned in to ourselves and each other.

And my other challenge—the despair I feel at trying to find the time to do this.  The book recommends 2 sessions of centering prayer a day, with each session lasting between 20 and 60 minutes.  At the same time, I know it’s because I don’t particularly want to sit in silence. If this book was recommending a collaging technique or a way of coming to know God by stitching fabric together, I’d be out today buying supplies. What does that say about me?

I realize, believe me I do, that finding 20 minutes twice a day should not be that big a deal. I find time to eat and to exercise and to do a bit of spiritual reading and other chunks of time here and there to do other practices that make me happy (like blogging on an almost daily basis and several sessions of sketching and other types of reading). Why am I feeling resistance to this time honored practice of centering prayer?

Is it about the time it takes or the silence aspect of it?

I thought about trying to do this practice for Lent, but I have travels planned--the AWP conference is next week.  But really, that's just an excuse.  There's something in me that just doesn't want to do this.