Monastic Al-Anon

Once, I had no trouble booking a retreat at Mepkin Abbey.  Back then, individual retreatents were likely to stay in these quarters:

Now, Mepkin Abbey has a beautiful, fairly new retreat center:

It's much harder to get a space for a retreat.  For over a year, I've gone to the site where one books online (also a fairly new development), and there's not a space to be had.

Late last week, I was writing to my two friends who have often met me there for a retreat.  I was strategizing for how we might snag a spot later in the summer, and then I went back to the Mepkin site and saw spaces in the Care for the Caregiver retreat. 

I read the description:  "To afford caregivers an opportunity to come away for a while, to rest and to reflect on who they are in the role of "caregiver." It will be a time to look back at when and how they took on the role of "companion" to someone who is ailing; where they are physically, emotionally, and spiritually in that role and how might they garner strength and fortitude to continue on this challenging journey."

At first, I thought the date conflicted with Synod Assembly.  I checked the calendar and realized that Synod Assembly was the week-end prior.

My soul lurched up in yearning.  And yet, I found myself feeling unworthy.  My two friends have much more intense caretaking duties than mine:  one has a mother with Alzheimer's who lives in her same house, and the other has two grown children with disabilities. 

The retreat had 10 spaces left, in a calendar with no spaces left.  So I felt less bad about claiming one of them.

My caregiving is a much more subtle, less visible kind of caretaking.  My spouse has some chronic conditions.  Most days, he's fairly functional.  But there's not many days where I don't find myself strategizing because of the conditions--some of that is on me, and some because of the conditions.  And I'm always thinking about the future as one of several tracks, and one of those tracks is young widowhood.

I am always aware that my situation could be so much worse--and that at some point in the future, it likely will be worse.  On the darker days, I think about some kind of support group, and yet, I feel like I hardly have time for the daily tasks of life, like grocery shopping.  Where would I find time for a support group?

I wrote to my friends about the possibility of this retreat, and in the hours before I heard back from them, I continued to feel pulled to this retreat.  When both friends said they would go, I wanted to jump for joy.

Is this God trying to tell me something?  Just my Mepkin longings which are never far from my surface?  Whatever it may be, I have registered for this retreat and gotten my leave request approved.

I am not good about accepting help or asking for support.  The U.S. doctrine of self-reliance has formed me.  In my brain, I hear the echoes of my maternal grandmother, "I don't want to be a bother."  Perhaps this retreat can show me a different way.