I was feeling so spiritually evolved. I agreed to help a colleague who's helping students who are collecting clothes for the needy. She needed storage space. I have a room which used to be my very small office when I was Assistant Chair, but now we use it to store records and artifacts and other documents which may or may not be important some day. Along with a big file cabinet, we have piles of boxes lining the walls, but there's still a bit of floor space.
I showed the colleague the room and explained the importance of what's being stored and why it's important to me that it not be rearranged; some of the material is confidential, so we can't leave students in the room by themselves.
The colleague turned to a third colleague and, with her back to me, said, "Is there another room I can use?" Not a thank you. No graciousness of any kind. No acknowledgement of me.
I wanted to punch the colleague. I wanted to take back my offer of space.
Instead, I went to my office to calm down. This colleague has a reputation for her imperious manner. She tends to treat people like manure-covered stable hands. And I thought I would be treated differently?
Then I started to beat myself up for these "I'll show her! I won't let her use my space at all! Let her find some other idiot who will put up with her attitude!" thoughts. Again, I tried to calm down.
Here I was, thinking I was so spiritually evolved, only to trip up against my own ego--and how little it takes, to bring me into tripping distance of my ego. How tough it is to forgive myself, each time I discover that I am not Mother Theresa. Sigh.
feeling the feelings…
8 months ago